[Note: this is the first of my LifeFacts series. If you have a suggestion for a topic, please send to me at firstname.lastname@example.org]
Heads up everyone! This post is a mix of standard English, and Nigerian pidgin English for emphasis, and/or for convenience.
It has come to my attention that dudes tend to be idiots sometimes. I mean, some guys dey fall hands wella. In this series, most points will be based on macho and cultural preferences.
Disclaimer : I’m creating a list, not drafting a law so there’s no penalty for not agreeing (you’ll still have to bear the consequences though). Not agreeing to any of these facts doesn’t mean your evil, it only means you’re wrong (and clueless).
Here are the first 30 Not To’s. As a man, you should NEVER EVER:
1) Remove your shirt in public – unless there’s plenty of sand and a large body of water nearby.
2) (i) Admit to watching any movie on Telemumdo. (ii) Actually watch Telemumdo.
3) Cry while watching any movie apart from Brian’s Song, or A Walk to Remember.
4) (i) Compete for the Mirror – they’re pretty much meant for the women; (ii) stay longer than ten minutes in front of the mirror.
5) Ask a woman “Hey, you got a license for that ass?”
6) Spend more than five hours a week playing video games. – Chinedu Uzonnaji, take note.
7) Correct someone’s grammar unless (a) you are asked to do so. (b) you are paid to do so (c) the person is both under the age of eighteen and your own kid.
8) Sit while a pregnant woman has to stand.
9) (i) Fail to study for an exam. (ii) fail an exam because of this.
10) Fake an American accent – in public, or when trying to hit on a girl. Puh-leeeeaaaassseee!
11) Use the bathroom in front of any woman that isn’t a nurse (including your wife)
12) Ask a cop, “You ever shoot anybody with that thing?”
13) Argue with a cop – you were caught, own up. Accept defeat. The only thing you’ll win in that battle is a hot cell and a cell mate named Haywire.
14) catwalk – for whatever reason. In Nigeria, you could serve time (14 years) for that. Inugo?
15) Wear too tight or too short jeans that shape your package. Ndi Ara! Everyone’s okay playing the guessing game.
It’s worse if the colour is pink, green, yellow, or red. Some guys dey try sha.
16) criticize another man’s wife in front of him.
17) Know the Full lyrics to a Miley Cyrus song.
18) Go a year without reading a book – any book.
19) Expect praise for something you are meant to do. (eg: pay the bills, care for your family and friends, work for a living). Guy, How far na?
20) Relax and gel/curl/fry your hair. Come on! You shouldn’t compete with your woman – and she shouldn’t have to help you gel your hair. Shuu!
21) Forget where you came from or who helped
you to get to where you are.
22) Lie to a kid by telling them they can be
anything they want to be. (Most likely, they
23) Post drunken pictures—of yourself or
anyone else—on Facebook.
24) Wear sunglasses at night, in the mall, inside the church, or on your fore head. There are worse ways to define the word “gross”!
25) Use the words” fuck” or “bitch” whole talking to your parents. Really?
Na amadioha go fire you if you try am.
26) Look longingly at your mother’s breast. You need a shrink if you’ve ever done that. Seriously!
27) Hang anything—your cellphone, your keys—on your belt.
You’ll never get laid again. True story.
28) Pluck your brows. It’s okay to groom. It’s okay to like a
woman who grooms. It’s not okay to groom like a woman.
29) Scratch/massage/adjust your balls on public, or in front of any woman.
E dey sweet sometimes, but try to do it when alone. And try not to masturbate while at it.
30) Eat a banana in public – for whatever reason. Please do Not try this… Ever!
Okay, there you have it. 30 more to come in 24 hours. Does anyone disagree? agree? Have anything to add? Visit the comment box, I’d like to hear your thoughts.
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Post by By Amadieabasi Udofa